


mostly to yourself

by livelyvague



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 17:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18197132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livelyvague/pseuds/livelyvague
Summary: Patrick's past is a little messy but David still wants to know every part of it.





	mostly to yourself

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if songfics are really what get people going, but I was listening to "Mostly To Yourself" from Noah's album and it made me cry and think about Patrick. I also think it's really interesting to think about Patrick's past, I think it is a lot heavier than what the show can show and also what he shows. Enjoy!

“You don’t play your guitar a lot.”

Patrick looked up from the pasta he was eating to see David staring at the guitar he had in the corner.

“What?”

“That night. Um, open mic night. You are very good, you know? But you barely play, so,” David said and then slurped up a noodle. He looked ridiculous, but still beautiful. Just like everything he did.

“Oh yeah, I don’t know. I’m just busy with the store, and you,” Patrick added with a soft smile, staring at David across the small table in his kitchen.

“You aren’t busy right now.”

“I’m eating,” he teased.

***

That night, Patrick thought about their conversation and he guessed David was right. He barely found himself the time to sit down and play the guitar, let alone write anything new. For a long time, writing and playing was his outlet and the only thing kept him satisfied. When Rachel and he would fight, he’d get in his car with a guitar and find an empty parking lot or back dirt road and play until he felt like himself again. Now, with David, there wasn’t that tension that needed to be released. Well, not the _bad_ kind of tension.

The last time, really, was after Patrick had come out to his parents. It ended up being a wonderful experience, but it was still really a lot to handle. So the day after, he picked up his guitar and sang and cried. It wasn’t around David though. Patrick loved music and it was personal to him. Arranging the acoustic version of “Simply The Best” and performing it for David (and for pretty much the entirety of Schitt’s Creek) was the most nerve wracking experience but one of the most fulfilling things he has done by himself. He did miss it and David seems like he _wants_ to really share it with him.

***

Patrick heard the key turn and David walked in and set his stuff down. He smiled as soon as he saw the guitar in Patrick’s lap with a notebook out in front of him.

“You’re playing.”

“I’m playing,” he said strumming a chord and smiling. It did feel good to be doing something more creative than just inventory and numbers for the store.

“Play me something.”

“Okay, I’ve been working on this acoustic cover–”

“M’kay, love that. What about something you, wrote..yourself?”

Oh. Everything Patrick had written seemed like it was from a past life. He knew he hadn’t changed that much since he met David, he was just a better version of who he was. A much better version. David sensed his apprehension.

“Oh, but you don’t like, have to?”

“It’s just everything I used to write was a different version of Patrick,” then he decided he needed to clarify when David made a face. “A straight Patrick. An in the closet, in an on-and-off again relationship with a woman Patrick.”

“I want to know every Patrick,” David said in a surprisingly sincere way he doesn’t get to see often.

“Okay, yeah. I originally wrote it on a piano, and also years ago, so this might be a little rough.” David just looked at him.

“Jesus, you play the piano too?”

“Yeah,” Patrick laughed. He felt nervous but he put his hands to work and started plucking out the tune he wanted.

 _Well it's mostly in the morning_  
_When your eyes, they ain't opening_ _  
And it's mostly that you won't even try_

When he wrote this, that’s what life was to him. He dreaded waking up. There were days when he would just lie in bed and Rachel would be worried but he just assured he that he felt a little ill and needed to rest up.

 _And it's mostly in the gutter_  
_With your voice broke, you sing_ _  
And it's mostly to yourself, that you lie_

Patrick’s voice carried softly but with power as he continued the verse. Now, his voice didn’t break and he felt okay just laying his heart out for David. Because he wanted to know every Patrick.

 _You say, "fuck it man, you're better off, it's better this way_  
_You're mostly in the shadows, and that's fine."_  
_Or you say, "fuck it man, you're not fine_  
_But you're doing it your way."_  
_And it's mostly to yourself, that you lie_ _  
It's mostly to yourself, that you lie_

At the chorus, kept the song sounding soft but emphasized the _fucks._ For the first time since he started looking, he looked up at David. Who looked a little sad, but still with a soft smile plastered on his face. The song was sad. Patrick wrote during a bad time and he didn’t know why he was singing it now. He didn’t want to remember the years of lying to himself and suppressing the things that he did. His heart ached for Rachel and what he did to her but it also ached for his old self.

_ You put your keys on the counter, you check your phone _ _   
_ _ You surround yourself with sounds, just to be sure you're not alone _ _   
_ _ 'Cause when it's quiet and you're reminded of all the things that you won't do _ _   
_ _ You just let 'em pass you by _ _   
_ __ You reach halfway and say, 'fuck it man, you tried.'

He sings a little louder, more intense at the parts he wants to highlight. David sits patiently beside him on the couch and watches Patrick. He feels too close, yet not enough at all. David has subtle tears in his eyes. He realizes that even though this part of the song was the most revealing to him, maybe it was to David too. They both spent so many years alone and _hurt,_ but shit, here they are.

 _And you let yourself off easy_  
_And when your heart is on the ground_  
_You say this won't last forever, just give it time_  
_But time keeps moving forward_ _  
And you mostly come around_

The song is almost over, thank fucking god. Patrick stays soft and he remembers the days of engagement with Rachel. Just waiting for the moment everything would feel right. He never came around.

 _But it’s mostly to yourself that you lie_  
_It's mostly to yourself that you lie_  
_It's it mostly to yourself that you lie_  
_It's mostly to yourself, that you lie_

Patrick ends the song with a simple downstrum. He feels a little frozen, feel like he is stuck back in a time that he would never know what to do in front of someone like David.

“Wow,” David says breathlessly. Patrick holds onto his guitar and lets it be a bit of a barrier. But when David looks at him like that, he doesn’t want anything between them so he puts it down in the case that’s beside the couch.

“Straight Patrick,” he tries to joke but it doesn’t really deliver.

“It was beautiful and haunting.” David laughs and pulls him in for a nice, deep kiss. He feels seen and loved. For so long, he lied to himself but he was glad he didn’t need to with David. He doesn’t want to spend his time only thinking about his past life, so he decides he should start writing more love songs he can serenade David with.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Tbh the emotion that Noah Reid, a straight man, can convey is impressive. I'd recommend listening to his album! Also, "False Alarms" reminds me of early David and Patrick :)


End file.
